My life can be summed up into six time periods; my beginning, chaos, depression, rebellion, flight, and discovery. This is a very retrospective view. And very typical, putting everything in its box.
The people closest to me did not see the freight train around the bend. Did not anticipate that the previous seventeen years of my life were about to come to a very dangerous and life-altering head.
I had graduated high school, but I don't remember how long before. It wasn't really cold yet, and since it's cold usually by about October and stays that way until April, it had to be probably summer.
I do remember I was driving my first car, I think, so I had to be eighteen. I remember being parked in an empty parking lot and having the bottle of pills. I remember taking the first few of them and then my memory fades.
I remember waking up in the hospital on a 72 hour hold. Medicines were prescribed and lectures were given by strangers who had no real idea why I had done it. I had no idea why I chickened out and apparently had called for help. I knew that the world I was living in wasn't for me and that that I couldn't go on the way I had been. I began seeing a shrink on a regualr basis.
A person I didn't trust, always beliving that my mother would find out, so I told her nothing. Barely allowing her into even my fantasy world. The medicine made my numb, unable to feel at all and I figured pain was better than the nothing and so I stopped taking them. I discovered that if I complained the meds (that I wasn't taking) wouldn't let me sleep, she would prescribe so sleeping medicine. By nature, it doesn't take much of any medicine to be effective on me and a bottle of sleeping pills (given to someone after attempting suicide???) were wonderful in helping me block out the realities of my life.
Relationships were intentionally a bit rough. I had no idea how to relate to any guy, let alone how to have an intimate relationship. I started to gravitate toward guys who really only wanted me to lays there, guys who didn't want an emotional connection. I had not kept in touch with anyone from high school and though I was being forced to attend college, I wasn't going. So I drifted around town aimlessly. No purpose or desire in life except the lingering wish that I had succeeded that night in ending it all.
