Poor kid

Like it's not bad enough the poor kid was born with a cleft lip and palate. At least he doesn't know any different and by the time he's old enough to know any different, it will be all fixed.

He looked perfectly perfect to me when he was born, I really didn't understand why he couldn't room-in, why he had to stay in the nursery. I had started to get past that, started to realize that maybe the doctors didn't see it in the ultrasounds for a reason. I'm a control freak and kids do tend to be beyond control.

And now this. I really thought he was dying. Already gone. I thought I was losing my baby right before my eyes. I couldn't even be spared the trauma of witnessing it. In a split second I looked down and he was blue. It was all wrong. I panicked.

I feel like it's all my fault. I wanted this. Him. He was my choice and now everything that was so good in my life has changed. But now I know who my friends aren't. And are I suppose. I just want him to be happy and healthy and never experience the bad I have seen.

Freedom

Where did patriotism go? Were all those flags and ribbons just a few years ago just a fad? With no real meaning behind them?

It bothers me to see people talking during the National Anthem, who don't know the words to the Pledge of Allegiance. But then I realize something, they fought for that freedom. That freedom to choose not to take part in the traditions of the Star Spangled Banner and Pledge. I realize that the decision to be disrespectful to those who chose to give their lives for ours, and their families, is one of the freedoms fought for and to protect. But does it make it okay?

Does Having the freedom mean it's acceptable. We have the freedom to own firearms, not every country does, but it doesn't make it okay to shoot people.

I think patriotism is very important.

Perception

I'd never really thought about how other people perceive the outcome of a child raised in a chaotic and violent environment. How they expect that such a child inevitably grows up to repeat the cycle. But does it have to be that way?

Does a child exposed to abuse and domestic violence, childhood rape and repeated betrayal, and ultimately domestic violence within one of their own relationships really have no choice but to follow the same path? Is it beyond reality to consider such a child can grow up despite their environment and become a regular person?

Or can the nature of the child determine a more positive outcome? Can personality protect from reality, act as a buffer of sorts between environment and the most obvious outcome? In nature versus nurture, can nature take a child beyond the limited experience of nurture and create a person who knows to be aware of their past and to consciously move past it?

I sat there listening to them determining that environment produces society's troubling figures. I wanted to ask what they thought would happen when a child was raised through some of the worst environmental factors and how they figured the child would turn out as an adult. How they would react if they knew someone they worked with or lived near has had such a tumultuous childhood. In knowing, would they tend to avoid the person out of fear for what could possibly happen?

Back to the days of forced sterilization, would they recommend that such a person not have and raise children of their own in an attempt to stop the cycle?

Would knowing change how they viewed a person?

weddings and other such joys

Nine weeks already. Finally got our marriage license taken care of so I am now officially married, yay. Of course celebrating was a bit out of the questioni as I'm still sick more days than not. Oh well, we'll get there.

mothering

The mothering is getting old. I get it at work, in the neighborhood, from people who don't even have kids. Some act like they have every right to tell me what to do, which they don't, and the one person I figured would do it the most, hasn't.

My MIL pretty much doesn't offer up anything unless asked, which is nice. But a friend(ish) went all control freak when I mentioned looking into a place that offers alternative birthing options. Because it is so her place to have any say-so whatsoever.

A neighbor who has no kids felt the urge to give me all of her opinions on what I should do and those at work really have only gotten onto me for lifting anything heavier than like, my finger. Moved an empty suitcase the other day (did not lift, pushed) and got an ear full. Was all like really? If I can't do this then pretty much everything else is out of the question.

6w3d

Still can't believe it's true. Also can't believe that the doctor's office first sat me down with a list (before insurance mind you) of the total cost. On top of that, I called said insurance to see what coverage I actually got for what I'm paying and apparently it's some big secret because the woman wouldn't tell me. Just to have the doctors office call and they'd explain it to them. So I yelled at her. Didn't accomplish much in doing so, but I felt better.
The last couple days I've felt fine, but today seems to be making up for it. Still haven't spoken to my mother.

So very not the flu

I believed it was the flu, people everywhere are sick with it. Dropping like flies. Of course, people at work are dropping as well with something different. The girls are anyway. And it's not swine flu or regular flu. It's babies. And apparently I've caught it too.

He want's a girl. I want a boy. Think it'll be a girl. But we have a long wait before finding out.

Until then we'll settle for healthy.